Understanding parent-child conflicts and resolving them with mediation
- Marlies Stubits
- May 29
- 4 min read
In our Mediation 1010 practice, we often successfully support parents and children in working through and resolving their often long-standing conflicts.
Conflicts between parents and children can leave deep scars, especially if contact has been completely broken off. Often, both sides suffer silently, wanting to resolve the relationship but not knowing how to take the first step.
In this blog post, I describe two case studies that we were able to successfully and sustainably resolve in our practice. After many days and weeks of deliberation, our clients decided to contact us. At the end of the mediation, all of them assured us that they should have done so much sooner.
The examples are anonymized, first names are randomly chosen, and the ages of the clients have also been changed. It's important to me to present these cases while ensuring complete anonymity and confidentiality—two of the most important characteristics of mediation.
Case 1:
Father and daughter – injuries and loss of contact
Anna (25) and her father Peter (55) have not been in contact for over a year. The dispute began with differing ideas about Anna's life path: Peter wanted her to take a secure job, while Anna wanted to pursue her creative dream. Misunderstandings and unspoken expectations led to the two talking past each other.
Beneath the surface lie old wounds that have never been addressed. Anna often feels misunderstood and rejected, even as a child, and Peter finds Anna's behavior disrespectful. They miss each other but don't know how to break down the barrier between them.
What happened in the mediation?
Making feelings visible: In mediation, Anna manages to express how much she longs for recognition and trust from her father. Peter realizes that his concern was perceived as control.
A change of perspective: Peter can reflect on his role as a father and recognizes that letting go is also a form of love. Anna understands that her distancing herself seemed like rejection to Peter. Peter recognizes how important creative work is to Anna and that she has already achieved some success in her job. Peter shows his pride and congratulates Anna.
Enable communication: Both partners can express that they miss each other and want to establish a new foundation for contact. They don't want to lose each other, but they want to take things slowly.
Make an agreement: You agree to a regular, informal exchange, meeting at least twice a month for lunch or dinner – with the goal of slowly rebuilding trust, without pressure.
Case 2:
Mother and son – conflict over life decisions
Jana (65) and her son Max (42) have been arguing for months about Max's decision to move abroad. Jana feels left behind and fears losing contact. Max, on the other hand, desires freedom and independent decision-making. The arguments escalate because neither of them openly communicates their fears and needs. Old conflicts from the family's history also play a role, but have never been fully resolved.
What happened in the mediation?
Naming fears: During mediation, Jana realizes that her criticism is rooted in a deep fear of being alone. Max can accept this without questioning his decision.
Room for self-determination: Max clearly states that he needs his autonomy, but doesn't want to cut off contact with his mother. Jana now understands why it's so important for Max to go abroad professionally.
New ways of interacting: Jana and Max are developing a new way of communicating together. They plan to talk on the phone several times a week and also have regular digital conversations during Max's stay abroad. Jana is also willing to visit Max abroad. They plan to spend Christmas together—either abroad or at home. Max assures Jana that he will be there if she develops any health problems.
Emotional closure of old issues: An old family conflict from the time of the parents' separation is also worked through in a protected space, which creates additional openness, understanding and renewed trust.
Mediation: a safe space – especially for families
Mediation creates a safe space in which both sides can express their views and feelings respectfully and equally. As a neutral and impartial mediator, I accompany the process, helping to resolve misunderstandings, reveal needs, give sufficient space to wishes and feelings, and ultimately find solutions together. Some of the advantages of mediation are:
Equal communication: Everyone is given the opportunity to speak and listen without interruption. The often-present power imbalance is not only balanced, but after mediation, parents and children can interact on equal terms.
Clarify needs: Behind anger and accusations, unmet needs often become apparent. These needs have often existed for years and have not been communicated or have been unclearly communicated.
Promote understanding: As a mediator, I provide space for children and parents to understand each other's perspectives. Through various interventions, family members can finally "think and empathize" with each other.
Finding common solutions: Instead of being right, it's about developing a solution that works for both parties. This doesn't always mean giving in or compromising, but rather finding a new way of living together.
Rebuilding trust: Step by step, the relationship can be strengthened, contact renewed and the relationship with each other deepened with trust.
The path to mediation
For many, the path to mediation is not an easy one, yet it is ultimately a very important milestone. A milestone toward a solution!
It takes a great deal of courage to confide and open up about your family relationships, discussions, arguments, and hurts to an outside stranger. Therefore, it's also important to know that as a mediator, I am sworn to absolute confidentiality. Even if conflicts have already ended up in court, I cannot be called as a witness.
The first step, mediation, is the most difficult. You can rely on my support for all subsequent steps—for both sides.
Please feel free to contact me by phone or email if you have any questions.
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